Not Who I Am

How can I live with no regrets when those I have hurt still feel the pain that I caused?

It’s been over a year now and I still can not get that afternoon out of my head.

I go to work and I’m reminded of you. I go to parties and I’m reminded of you.

I go home, to our new house, that we’ve only lived in for a week, and I’m reminded of you.

I found your blog entry about men who don’t have time to cheat on their partners because they’re already too busy thinking of new ways to love them.

It was a kick in the stomach, metaphorically speaking, but you tell a person to sit in a room and not think about green elephants, they will spend most of their time thinking about green elephants.

I think I’ve seen you twice since that day. The dedication and the wedding. I’m glad my stupid misunderstanding made it easier for you to forget me, it even looks like you don’t follow my Tumblr anymore, not that I’ve written in here for months.

I catch up on your posts from time to time, wondering if you’ve written anyting yourself. I’m not sure what I’m looking for since you only wrote about me once.

I still worry about you. I still see the pain behind your smile.
I still love you, in some very mixed up crazy, more than friend or sister way.

But more than anything you are right - and since nothing could ever happen, why bother discussing if you ever wanted anything to happen - you didn’t anyway, you were too smart for that. They were wrong, you never had a crush on me, just becuase they told me that you talked about me a lot, I should never have read anything more into it than the fact that you appreciated having someone listen to you.

But the wieght, the pressure, the stress on my heart is easier to bear. I can hide it from her, and that the only thing that matters anymore. My wife and child are my life now, and you, I have to make you a memory.

A happy memory.
A sad memory.
A confused memory.
A frustrating memory.
But only a memory.
You don’t need me anymore (not that you ever did need me, especially the pain and confusion I caused you)

I will still think of you, we will always be related through your brother. And everytime I see my Daughter’s Godfather I will see you, in his eyes and I will remember, everything, good and not so good, and I will wonder if you ever think of me at all?

Sure, I’m game!

(Source: fl0ss)

To everyone,
I’m sorry, I really AM that shallow.
But ‘judged’ is not always a negative word.
And a ‘first impression’ is not always based on sight.
So, maybe I’m not sorry (but yes, I still consider myself shallow).
Prove me I’m wrong, and I’m likely to change my mind, for better or worse mind you.
I do tend to think the better of people (other than myself)
But shakespeare said it best; This, above all, to thine own self be true!
Don’t give a stuff about what I think.
You never know, you not caring might be what changes my opinion.

I’ve tried numerous times to give you up and now it seems the fates are conspiring against me.

There is a lady at work who is the splitting image of who I imagine you to be in seven years times, and she sits next to me, constantly reminding me if how much I miss you and can’t have you, and shouldn’t want to.

I have a list as long as my arm of those that ‘broke my heart’, almost as long as the list of hearts I’ve broken. As for the one who broke it the hardest, I’ve spent months trying to answer that question. the painful answer is that, when it comes down to it, I broke my heart the hardest.

I was born to be more than I am and I made choices that means I can NEVER be that person. Now I trudge daily through someone else’s life barely hoping that I can be of some use to a God who once held my life in the palm of His/Her hands.

Held, that was, until I jumped. Made a choice and turned my back on the life laid so clearly before me. I didn’t know, at the time, how devastating my choice would be, and how blessed I have been since.

I wouldn’t trade my daughter for the chance to go back.

I tried teaching, spent six months as a student teacher. The kids loved me, well most of them, and I had fun and it felt natural. But I couldn’t get my head around the assignments, so I failed.

I tried again, and then my dark life was revealed and they said goodbye. I broke my heart and the hearts of those who cared for me.

I keep telling myself that classroom teaching wasn’t for me, that I wouldn’t have been good at it anyway. But I don’t know if I’m actually convincing myself, or am I just trying to hide the brokeness that can never heal.

I fill my life now with work and my family trying to distract myself from what could have been but never will be and I ask myself how do I forget?

How do I forget about a life I will never know and move on to what lies before me in hope that God has something better in store for me.

Or do I give up on my own happiness, and keep trudging, doing my best to show my daughter the error of my ways without her ever knowing the depths of my darkness.

Is the best I can hope for now to raise a beautiful young lady who will have more respect for herself than I ever did for me.

Can I heal the pain of breaking my own heart everyday by holding her close when someone breaks hers?

Wow, I thought I’d use Tumblr more now that I have my iPhone.

Sadly I’ve been using everything LESS since I’ve been reading more.

My goal, to create a log in for Tumblr to write my stories and auto-log in on my iPhone so my wife doesn’t stumble accross the confessions I have blazenly posted in here.

Why I even bother to post here is a mystery, but it is a good release at times, plus, I’m really wanting to finish the 30 ‘Day’ Blog series that I’m only half way through. 

Yay. I finally have my iPhone. Now to enjoy much more Tumblr.

I went away, from Tumblr particularly, because I hurt one of the most beautiful young women I know.

I went away to protect her and myself from the person I never wanted to be.

And that’s not who I am, and I’m not who I am.

As Frank Woodley once said, “I might contradict myself, but at least I don’t contradict myself.”

What is this life about? How did it get so complicated?

And now I’m back, and… we’ll see what happens next.

It was you - for both good and bad… now that’s changed, you don’t pester my mind so much now I know you ‘never’ felt that way. It was nice to get your *poke* and I hope I can start to rebuild the bridge of friendship I burnt last year.

Someone that does pester my mind now - and always - for good and bad is my little girl, my darling daughter.

To you, my little one,
You pester my mind in good ways because I’m always thinking of the cute and funny things you’re learning to do and say. I see constand reminders of you everywhere I look and when you’re not with me I hear your voice repeating your latest favortie word or phrase or quote from your latest obsession.

You pester my mind in a bad way because I am constantly worried that I will let you down, or fail you as a father. I’m not the person I should be, and I’m not the father you deserve. I’m unhealthy and it is taking me too long to change that. I only hope and pray that I am around long enough to enjoy grandchildren.

You are my precious, and I love you. My little one!
From Daddy!